May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
