im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
