I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
