I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
