dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
