so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
