Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
bring money and cleavage
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
as a side note pls kill me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
