I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
