I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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