i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
