ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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