i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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