they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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