now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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