So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
