Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
