apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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