Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
