last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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