neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
