Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
