His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
