sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
