Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
