did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize