I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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