nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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