We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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