i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
