i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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