remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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