true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think i have herpe
just one?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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