I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He did a backflip because drugs
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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