My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize