just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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