I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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