I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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