saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
