my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hippo gnu deer
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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