Sober January is a disaster.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
