Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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