You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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