The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
