I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
