it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Text me some of your sweat
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
