Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
