I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
