i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
