Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
