Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
people are starting to question the shark bite story
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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