I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
