69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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