i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
