I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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