Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
