That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
