i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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