Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
