I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Randomize
