in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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