White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It's official drugs can't kill me
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
