Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
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